Its time to make lunch.
God, that chicken salad
Jen had looked AHHMAZING! That’s what I
want to make! Nancy
I head to the fridge and DAMMIT, no chicken! Fuck.
In the past I tried to make chicken salad without chicken, and that didn’t turn out so great. So today I'll make something different.
I start making some egg salad, only half paying attention to what I am doing. All I can think about is that I don't have chicken and THAT'S not fair.
The next day at lunch I eat my egg salad, I can hardly pay attention to how it tastes because I am watching
and Jen eat their lunch. Nancy
I start talking to
and tell her how
awesome her chicken salad is, but secretly I hate her for having chicken salad
when I don't. Nancy
I turn to Jen and start telling her, in great detail about how I couldn’t find any chicken. I think to myself "She's lucky to have such a fully stocked kitchen, If I had her kitchen I could have chicken salad too. I am so unlucky, this sucks!" I turn to Fred and tell him about my no chicken saga too.
This little metaphor, is really about what has played out in many areas of my life where I felt lacking, but most recently its showed up around weightlifting
I am staunchly aware of the deficits in my fitness that impact my weightlifting. I know I can work now till I die and there are any things that are not possible for me to accomplish. I have accepted these things and I attempt to make the best out of what I have.
However, I realize I still get caught up in comparing myself to others. And I am constantly talking about and focusing on "my story."
What I tell myself (and others) is that Its harder for me to get results than it is for everyone else. I say "I am limited…" and "I started in the basement so everything takes me longer." I talk about how no one ever told me that I could play sports even though I as big and how I only started working on fitness when I was 29.
Yes I know, there is truth to my story. However I think I have become stuck in it.
Back to the chicken salad…
I don't really like egg salad that much.
MAYBE if I had stopped lamenting about the lack of chicken I would have noticed that I have sirloin to put on a kick ass tossed salad..
Or maybe I made the BEST EGG SALAD EVER but I couldn't taste it, because I was looking at everyone's FUCKING CHICKEN and telling them about how I don't have any.
Or maybe If I had fully focused on what I had in my pantry I could have come up with this amazing recipe, that would inspire "the chickless" to try something new in their lunch box tomorrow.
So yeah, I have a past and there are effects of it. In many ways It's a good story and it even inspires others. But I think maybe its coming to the point where the story about my limitations, Is what is actually what's limiting me. Sweet paradox or maybe irony, likely both.
If I am to find my actual limits, I have to stop talking about my limits so often. I have to stop focusing on the story and perpetuating it. But where do I focus instead?
I may not have chicken, but I do have food. And I fucking love making and eating lunch.
And I love weightlifting. I love how it feels when the middle of a snatch disappears and its magically above my head. I love the process of learning, adapting, understanding and actually getting better at different parts of the lifts. I love that weightlifting is makes me a better athlete, a better trainer and a better human being.
So instead of talking about my so called limits…
I will use what I have available in my kitchen each and every day. I may have to spend some extra time looking or prepping or maybe even being creative to make that happen. And although I wouldn't mind chicken, the truth is I don't need it or to think about its lack to make my lunch and enjoy eating it.
I am going to do my very best with what I have physically and mentally each and every day. I'll continue to do the work that will make me better. And although I wouldn't mind exceptional mobility, killer speed and stellar technique, the truth is I don't need that or to think about my lack to enjoy training and the process that comes with it.
We cannot negate our pasts, we cannot change our original lots in life or our previous misfortune. At some point we need to acknowledge and explore what is, what happened and how it effects us today. However the time comes when we must let go of the stories of who we were and what we currently have in order to become more fully who we are and to have all that we are able.