Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The New Hate

I don't profess to have an infallible body image. However I seem to have cut the tie between what my body looks like and my value as a person.  I don't compare my body to other peoples bodies.  I have accepted that I am a big woman.  When I gain weight, it’s a matter a fact occurrence that means I need to pay attention. Not that I'm a failure. If I feel off balance with my food choices, its time to bring consciousness to my eating. Not time to beat myself up and drown in fear.

 However old habits die hard, and I find myself applying my old ways to another aspect of my body….my physical abilities. 

 I often find myself feeling sorry for myself in regards to my lifting.  Sorry that I started my athletic career so late.  Sorry that I beat up my body so badly for 29 years. Sorry that I have structural limitations that limit my mobility. Sorry that I have to work all the much harder because of those things.

And I often compare myself to others.  Not only comparing the weights they lift (especially girls more than half my size) but also their technique when they are lifting.  Their speed, their squat…good quality movement. Things I envy and wish I had. 

 Of course I know that feeling this way isn't rational nor healthy…and certainly not helpful. Over the past two years since I've been lifting many times I have DECIDED to stop feeling this way and ACCEPT who I am. That works for awhile….

 And then something happens….someone says something, I see video of myself lifting poorly or I have a lifting day where I can't seem to do anything right.  I find my self swirling down the spiral of self loathing.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed and defeated.

It’s the same exact thing that used to happen in my relationship to the way I looked.  I knew early on that I needed to love myself, that it was key.  I knew I needed to accept myself at age 16. 

 I would often DECIDE to love myself to ACCEPT myself.  That would work for awhile….

 And then something would happen… someone would say something about my weight, I'd see a picture of myself or I'd go try to buy clothes and nothing fit.  And down the spiral I went. 

 The spiral never led to getting any better, just more of the same.  Even when things seemingly got better, my feelings about myself were never enough.  Losing weight wasn't my problem anymore than getting better at weightlifting is.

 What I really wanted wasn't to be skinny.  What I really want is not to be a good weightlifter. What I want….what is essential to my life is that I feel good about myself. That I am content.  That I can accept what I cannot change and love myself regardless.  No thing, no achievement, no number, no way that I look just standing here or in a snatch is going to make  me realize this.  

 We are destined to repeat a process, until we have truly worked it out. Obviously I still have more to learn.  And although it seems like I am just doing the same exact thing again, the truth is I am not who I used to be.  

 Just like in weightlifting, often times we need to break things down and rebuild our foundation as we reach new levels in our ability and strength.

 The first step is almost always becoming aware and to be honest as I wrote this, my awareness has become clearer. 

 I am a strong, confident and worthy human being…the negative voices may try to convince me otherwise but they are just noise, old noise and a wake up call to start living my life from a place of WHOLENESS.

 It is and still is about one thing…my Radical Hateloss.

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