For the first time in my life I had a good relationship with my body. I found CrossFit and with that primal/paleo eating. I learned the value of following my intuition. I discovered the magic that happens when someone lives in alignment with what they truly want. Although I made changes one might think were difficult. They felt joyful and easy.
Then about two years ago the pendulum started to swing the other direction.
I found myself focusing on a specific goal rather than general fitness. I started working with a coach and training for Olympic lifting. At the same time I started embracing the idea of moderation when it came to eating and very consciously decided change my diet.
Having the pendulum swing the other direction was not easy. It was very confusing. I was constantly questioning and second guessing my choices. My life which had previously felt easy, was feeling pretty hard. And it didn't help in the middle of it, my mother died.
Even though things felt difficult, my intuition told me continuing on this path, was what I was supposed to do. I knew there were lessons I needed to learn.
And I did….I learned innumerable lessons about myself, training and about life. I not only learned about discipline-- staying the course when its not easy but also that getting better at something requires patience, consistency and good old fashion work. It's not always going to be fun.
I learned that I enjoy, enjoying food. I used to say their were no good foods and bad foods, but the truth is I did hold many foods as 'bad' in the past and that took away some of my ability to actually enjoy them. Although the way I used to eat felt like freedom… I discovered freedom on a grander scale with moderation.
But I think with the swing in this new direction I have lost some of the magic of what I initially experienced at the start of my journey. I am not as present as I was back then. My ego often leads rather than my truer self.
Although I believe in moderation in my eating, I find it difficult without structure to keep the balance I want.
Sometimes I think…."just go back, it was so easy." However in my heart of hearts I know that's not the answer. It rarely ever is.
The truth is that my pendulum is searching for its middle.
Presence and Passion. Hard work and Discipline.
Structure and ease. Moderation and freedom.
I wish I came to this post with it all figured out. At the moment I don’t really know what's next. I don't know what the middle looks like. The only thing I know is something grand is coming. So for now, I'll have faith in that.