I'm going to tell you a story…
This winter was extremely cold and extremely dark. And it was a perfect metaphor for my life over those months.
In the months before my mother's death, I felt a transition coming. I felt the darkness as it approached, but that didn't prepare me for how it would feel to be enveloped with it.
I feel as if I went through a dark night of the soul.
However unlike other dark periods in my life, I was more conscious. I knew what it felt like to have freedom and joy in each moment. The contrast made it much worse.
Thank God for that presence though, because although I escaped my pain now and again through the usual means, I didn't go down that rabbit hole in ways that would ruin me, as I had in the past.
Those dark months I felt like I had little to hold on to. Hardly anything in my life felt stable. So much was in transition. So much of what I new, what I believed was shifting.
With all stories there comes a turning point…
The darkness started hitting critical mass around the new year. Then on the 6 month anniversary of my mothers death in early March through my birthday on the 21st something started to shift.
At that six month mark I felt like I was, for the first time able to morn my mother. Not her as my mother. Not my role as a daughter. But I actually missed her. Sounds a little weird but up until that point, I felt completely disconnected from missing her person. A few weeks later was my birthday. It was the saddest birthday I ever had. But it definitely marked a turning point.
After it, I started to feel like myself again.
Spring was slow to start this year. There would be a nice day and then it would be cold again. Another metaphor for how those weeks went for me.
But spring eventually broke through.
Just like the perennials come back bigger and stronger after each winter…so have I.
I will have more story to share about what I have learned. Specifically about food, eating and my body. But for now the moral of the story I most want to share is this.
The darkness brings the light. The winter brings the spring. The pain brings the joy. The suffering brings the freedom
As I step back into the light of who I am. I have gained some things.
I have fallen in love with my husband again. (not that I ever fell out). However the way he showed up through this period, is not acknowledgeable by words. He is a true partner and friend and I am blessed.
I have gained faith in the balance of life. The pendulum swings one way then the other, but it eventually finds its middle.
I am renewed in my life's purpose to live a fulfilled life and in turn help others to do the same.
One thing I never lost was the trust I have in the process of life. I learned a long time ago that everything happens just as it should. I've always had an uncanny ability to trust my intuition. All through the darkness, no matter how awful the journey felt I knew I was on the right path. That the darkness would eventually serve me.
Maybe you're enveloped in darkness right now. I hope these words help hold the light that's waiting for you.
The candle's fame might flicker or seem lost in the darkness....but it's there smoldering softly for the day it will burn bright for the first time or maybe again.