Thursday, November 7, 2013

My Confession

My confession: Over the last week or so, I have been feeling a little out of control with food. Specifically out of control in my intake of sugar.

I have no problem with the sugar itself.  What I have is  a problem with is feeling out of control.  I hate the feeling of compulsion.  Really, I despise feeling powerless to some "thing."

 I've been feeling horribly out of alignment, but it’s a good thing because being uncomfortable is a signal for me to check in with myself.   

 I have been running away from something, escaping and sugar is one of the ways I've been numbing myself.

 Old habits die hard, even habits you moved passed years ago.  My way of dealing with intense pain in my previous life was always pleasure (in any form).  The grief over the loss of my mother and the fear about the transition her death is effecting in my life both tangibly and intangibly-- has overwhelmed me.   I'm in more emotional pain than I have been in for a long time and its not so surprising that it has brought up some old patterns of behavior.

 The coping methods that have reared their head have not changed, however I am not the same person I was the last time they had hold of me.  I have a presence and a knowing now, that I didn't have in the old days.  I am stronger, I am wiser, I am aware.

Although my first inclination is to completely eliminate sugar from by diet, I have decided to add, rather than remove.  I am adding presence. Because I don't really care about not eating sugar, but I care very much about living my life in each moment.  I want to be present.  I want to be alive.  I want to be awake. 

 I am making a choice today.  I choose to bravely face the pain and fear.  I know that I can handle it.  I know I can get through it.  I know that I don't need to escape it or numb it anymore.

 I updated my facebook page today about my realizations and someone commented, "the only way out, is through." For some reason the comment showed up 3 times, which I don't believe was a consequence.  I needed to HEAR it, and so I have.

 I am ready to go though.    

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