Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What's Your Drug of Choice?

If you have ever known a drug addict chances are you have heard the term “drug of choice” The addicts drug of choice (DOC), is the one that they like the most. Probably the drug that afforded them the most fun, at least until the addiction took over their lives. Sure they abused other drugs, even more dangerous drugs, but no drug is more dangerous to their well being then their DOC.

My DOC is food. It is the most effective substance I have ever found to offer me comfort, escape and pleasure without overwhelming guilt. Sure I’ve felt guilty after eating two large fries but that doesn’t compare to the guilt I felt during the times in my life when I tried to escape by other means.

I have noticed a pattern in my life prior to my radical hateloss. I’d have a successful attempt at losing weight, everything would seem great for while, but then I’d start to party too much, disrespect myself, and put myself into dangerous situations because of the types of behaviors I was engaging in. I’d do that for awhile, until the guilt completely overwhelmed me. I would think, “this just isn’t me” and decide to stop. Then unconsciously I would start…eating.

Going back to food was like driving to work on automatic pilot. It seemed to just happen all on its own. It was what I knew how to do best. It was how I knew how to survive. Abusing food had its repercussions, but they weren’t immediate. I could function normally abusing food, no one but me really knew how much I ate or how much I thought about my next meal. Food numbed me, but eventually even numb gets uncomfortable. Think about when your leg falls asleep…that shit actually hurts. And eventually people start to notice, it’s hard to miss 420lbs or someone gaining weight back after having a major surgery to lose it.

It is the uncomfortable that ultimately lead me to my radical hateloss journey. Gaining weight back after my gastric bypass surgery was like hitting rock bottom. At the bottom, not only did I eat but I also used every other tool in my escape arsenal, and nothing was working. That was until I decided to BE PRESENT. The commitment to the present moment offered me freedom that nothing outside of myself or the moment could ever offer me.

Most of us use all sorts of things to get away from our pain. Things that make us feel good (and feeling that good is much better than confronting what we feel inside.) We use different things at different times to escape but I would bet we all have our one special DOC that we fall back on. That one special compulsive behavior we seem to fall back into the habit of doing so easily. No matter how harmless your DOC may seem to the outside world, abusing it keeps you stuck, keeps you from the freedom that presence offers. Your DOC keeps you entering the same tunnel of emotion over and over again. Each time you use your DOC you turn around only to have to start again. What would happen if you did not fall back on your DOC and went through the tunnel? What then would be possible?

Do you have DOC? What is it and how does it affect your life?

My video contest submission to the Fight Gone Bad 5 facebook fan page.

"What characterises an addiction? Quite simply this: you no longer feel you have the choice to stop. It seems stronger than you. It also gives you a false sense of pleasure, pleasure that invariably turns into pain." -Eckhart Tolle

Bad Ass Bitch Invitational is this Sunday....I'm officially on rest for the next 4 days.  I am excited and nervous.  I am having going to walk through all the feelings of aprehension and do this.  Who knows howthe experience will enrich my life! :-)


Christine said...

You were awesome this Sunday!

Anonymous said...

thanks lady...I'll be chasing your #375 deadlift...damn...just damn!!

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Food worked pretty good, but I cut that off. I also quit cigarettes, which are definately my first love. Now it's just me and my ganja!

amanda said...

Food, food and food. And can I just say? Your story is almost my story to a T -- only I'm not nearly as together as you are. Congratulations! I'm really proud of you.

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