Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Number Value in Radical Hateloss

So you all probably know that I don’t weigh myself regularly. In fact I hadn’t weighed myself since August, until yesterday. I got weighed yesterday when I went for a check-up at my doctor’s office. I have felt a bit dismayed since then, and it’s not because of the number. I think I feel unsettled by the fact that I had a reaction to the number at all. My vision was that I would step on the scale and not give a shit what it said. Instead my immediate reaction was that I wanted the number to be lower. Immediately after that thought, I started to kick myself for even thinking that. I tried to stop thinking about the number, but it kept running through my head, along with its friends from the past. A general feeling of uneasiness has stayed with me through the night and this am, taking me out of the present moment. So right now in this moment, I’m getting those “numbers” out of my head and sharing them with all of you!

4/04 (pre-gastric bypass) - 420lbs- Size 32
4/06- (post-gastric bypass) - 260lbs- Size 22
7/31/09- 322.5lbs- Size 26
8/28/09- 313lbs (just before starting CrossFit)
12/3/09- 286lbs- Size 22

It is of the upmost importance to me that my focus and motivation is not on these numbers associated with my weight or my pants size. However, I am going to claim the fact that these numbers have significance. They validate my “Radical Hateloss.” They prove that choosing the present moment and self-love in the spiritual realm, leads to reward in the physical realm. Not only do they lead to physical results, but for the first time I met these kinds of results without EFFORT. It’s not that I am not doing work; it takes work to remain conscious and explore my emotions without escaping them. However when it comes to eating and exercise, I don’t feel deprived and it doesn’t feel hard. I ENJOY food. I ENJOY working out. WOW! What a miracle the present moment is.

I’d like to point one thing out about the numbers that validate why the focus on the scale can be counter productive. If you notice I am at the same pants size at 286lbs, that I was at 260lbs. I’d venture to say I’m I full size 22 now and back then I was on the lower end of the size, however I know that through CrossFit I have gained muscle I have never had before (accounting for the difference.) When I look in the mirror in only my underwear I can't help but notice the changing shape of my body.  My body never looked as good as it does today. I have to say I really love CrossFit….its given my strength in confidence in my body that has translated into all areas of my life. Shout out to the CrossFit KoP…the coaches and the community. Thank You!

My question to you.  What rewards would be yours if you embraced each moment?  What would happen if you choose love over fear?

What would a post like this be, without some before (taken this summer) and after pictures (taken today). :-)




Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.
-Bob Marley

My goal continues to be to embrance the present moment in my life.  I look forward to the opportunities & rewards that will be made available as I do this more and more in my life. 


Laura Pappas said...

Stef keep up your awesome work and mission to change your thinking, its a really brave and hard thing to do! I'm so happy you found crossfit and that its transforming both your body and your mind :) Keep it up girl!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Laura!!

Cindy Handler said...

Steph, I too eschewed the scale for a long time because of the way I had allowed the numbers that appeared there to define my worth. If the number was good, I was good; if the number was bad, I was a piece of shit.

What I've since discovered is that my worth is not measured in numbers, it's measured by the difference I make in the world and how I have come to value my gifts. This has freed me from the scale monster. Now I weigh myself every few weeks as a way of checking in with my body. The number is simply a piece of data, nothing more.

Steph, you are an inspiration and I applaud your honesty, courage and candor. Keep shining your light into the world!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I will...the more of with our lights on the better!!!

Dorothy said...

I feel lie I am traveling down this emotional path with you. Yesterday my running partner said that I looked like I had lost some weight. So this morning I felt the urge to weigh myself to confirm the good feeling that it gave me. I quit weighing myself when I met you because it was just making me feel bad about myself. And now today I want my drug back. I want that number to make me feel good about myself. Luckily I didn't succumb to the urge and just flexed in the mirror instead.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling with all of us. You are contributing to my life changing transformation.

donkey said...

ladies of crossfitKOP...i am blessed to have found you. thank you all for showing up and being you.

katrina said...

you are so beautiful and strong! love you steph and this is really wonderful to read. thanks for sharing your journey! fuck the scale lets evaluate ourselves based on how balanced we are instead!