Friday, November 13, 2009

Turning the Light on in the Dark

As I got ready for a party last weekend, Mr. Gremlin crept sneakily into my head. As I tried on outfits he whispered in my ear, “this shirt shows your belly roll”, “this one is too tight” He pushed me to find just the perfect outfit. It was important to him that I wear something that would illicit comments from others about how I had lost weight. That search took about an hour, quadruple the time it usually takes me to get dressed. The outfit I ended up wearing, I had taken on and off in the process at least three times. I had lost the present moment and was living in the future expectations of that party and the validation I would gain. I was unaware as I lost the present moment and that Mr. Gremlin had taken over my thoughts.
Over the last few weeks I have started to receive a lot of feedback that I have lost weight (which is simply a positive side effect to my radical hateloss and embracing the present moment.) People have started congratulating me on the physical changes in my body. My big clothes are loose, my smaller clothes fit nicely and pretty soon I’ll need to go shopping. I gave up weighing myself, so that I could focus on the present, and eliminate an opportunity for Mr. Gremlin to take over. Today I realize that this outside validation I am receiving has been the perfect chance for Mr. Gremlin to sneak back in without me noticing.

In retrospect, I can now see evidence of this in some of my recent behaviors. Let me share a few examples:
• Recently I tried on all my shorts to see how loose they were since this summer. I remember feeling “bad” that they weren’t looser. Even thought some of them I couldn’t wear all day comfortably a few months ago.
• On more than one occasion when I have gone somewhere where people would see me for the first time in months, each time I repeated the same clothing debacle I talked about in the first paragraph. When I get compliments, I feel completely vindicated.
• I try on clothes I haven’t worn in awhile. I try to think back to when they fit, so that I can compare my weight now to other points in my life.
• I fantasize about smaller sizes and when I’ll wear them and make an elaborate plan to wear that shirt that still fits a little too tight in a few months.

In each of these examples I was completely out of the present moment, living in the past or living in the future. So unaware of the moment that I couldn’t see Mr. Gremlin sneak in. Mr. Gremlin is a clever one. It is a given that he thrives on negative feedback. However he also thrives on positive feedback. It doesn’t matter as long as it feeds into the beliefs that my weight defines me and that it determines my wholeness and happiness.

So maybe, you are thinking I’m a little crazy, with this voice in my head that I have named Mr. Gremlin. I probably am a little crazy (good crazy!), but naming this voice empowers me. It empowers me because naming it separates the true essence of who I am, from that voice. That voice is not me, and it never was. Now most days I see that voice for what it is, and interestingly enough, in the light of my consciousness it quiets. However Mr. Gremlin has been around a very long time and he hasn’t quite given up yet. He lays in waiting, for the perfect opportunity to deceive me. Let me pronounce this to him, loud and clear with you all as my witnesses, “I am Love, I am Whole, I am Happy and I need no outside validation to prove this!” I am committed to my goal of presence as my life’s purpose, for in the light of presence; no gremlin (aka self-hate, fear, negativity) can exist. I will continue to turn that light on whenever it gets dark. 

What internal messages & thoughts are your Mr. Gremlin? Take the time to simply become aware of those thoughts. Accept them for being there and then acknowledge, maybe for the first time that, they are NOT YOU! You are love, you are whole and perfect exactly as you are in this very moment!

"Be present as the watcher of your mind -- of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations. Be at least as interested in your reactions as in the situation or person that causes you to react. Notice also how often your attention is in the past or future. Don't judge or analyze what you observe. Watch the thought, feel the emotion, observe the reaction. Don't make a personal problem out of them. You will then feel something more powerful than any of those things that you observe: the still, observing presence itself behind the content of your mind, the silent watcher."
-Ekhart Tolle
P.S.  I am completly greatful for the fact that my embracing the present moment has resulted in positive manifestations in the physical relm of my life.  I am recieveing rewards, I have longed for, even struggled for now  with ease and joy.  The very fact of it, completly validates my life's purpose and commits me even deeper to it.  I am JOYFUL that my body is healthier, that I can respond to it in ways I have never known, and that more opportunities are open up to me that were not previously available!


Teen Girls said...

I do many of the things you talk about in this post. The worst part is having to hang up all the clothes after you try them on-LOL! I do not necessarily consider them negative behaviors. Looking better in clothing or wearing smaller sizes is validation of the changes you are making. Feeling great and looking better validate your pledge to love yourself. In my opinion, longing to look better or wear smaller sizes is fine, as long as they are the end results of your efforts and not the sole reason for making the changes you are making.

Anonymous said...

I am with you Primal Mama! I even think changing outfits 1000 times is a part of being a women! Being present with the just as important as anything else!!

Dorothy said...

Great post. Thanks for getting me thinking. The gremlin in my head is named "Jimmy". So whenever I do something bad I just say "oh there goes Jimmy again!".
Another weird think I do is intentionally wear baggy and clothes on purpose for months so that no one notices the changes to my body. Then when I feel that I am ready to reveal my transformation to others I wear clothes that actually fit. This is for a hightened wow factor.

I know....Jimmy is really whacked out. He thinks waaaay too much!

stephanie vincent said...

The more we bring "Mr.Gremlin" & "JimmY" in our heads to the light....the more they retreat! Another question to stop and ask, when doing something like getting dressed is..."where am I right now?" "Am i present?" If we are thinking of what others will notice when we go out or what we used to be able to wear, we might not be truly in a place of love and Mr. G & Jimmy room to come in.

Anonymous said...


YOur writing is beautiful-probably because I can hear and feel the honesty in your words. Just know that even though I'm thin I still deal with Mr. Gremlin telling me that I am still not good enough or thin enough.

Thanks for sharing.