Before, during & after this decision I felt guilt and fear. The voice inside my head, started spouting off things like, “you are making excuses”, “uh oh here it starts” and “this is the beginning of the end.” A general feeling of depression set in through my evening. As I tried to fall asleep last night my mind was racing with ideas about how to make-up the missed work-out. Old familiar feelings of being “hungry” even right after I eat returned. I was feeling strong cravings for the food that make me feel good, sweets and grains. I felt very much out of the present moment and smack dab in an old way of being around my health. The feelings continued this morning. It would have been so easy to escape from the way I am feeling by getting breakfast in the McDonald’s or Dunkin Donuts drive through. I did not. This time I am committed to doing something different.
The truth is that I have felt this exact feeling before. As I wrote about in my first post, each time that I have lost weight in the past, there was an experience of depression that followed. It set in after I started seeing results and having my weight loss noticed by others. It seems ironic, that I would feel depressed while simultaneously feeling so good about myself. I used to think that the loss of “who I knew myself to be all these years” was why I felt depressed. Today I realize that it was the loss of having an escape from the emotions I felt inside, that caused the depression. In the past, I did what came most easy; I found new ways of escape. I engaged in self-destructive behaviors that helped me “feel better” and eventually found my way back to my favorite route of escape….food. If you think of it like a tunnel, each time I have gotten to the middle, in the darkest part, in fear, I have hightailed it back to the safe and sunny side from which I came.
Perhaps I have just gotten to that place in the tunnel. My smallest clothes are fitting me (the ones I haven’t worn in years), people are starting to notice that I look smaller and they are telling me all the time. And here I am feeling depressed and clearly craving escape. However today, I choose to face my fears (WITH LOVE!) and continue on through the tunnel despite them. It may not feel like it, but coming out on the other side of this tunnel, will be no harder than it was to get to the middle…If I just go through the darkness.
"I am willing to feel all emotions to their depths and exaltations..."
From A Woman's Book of Strength by Karen Andes
“Any negative emotion that is not fully faced and seen for what it is in the moment it arises does not completely dissolve”